Writings from a crazed mind

It's getting late here on the east coast, so I'll be going now. My thanks to my co-host, P.D. Singer, who'll be around for a little while longer. I'll have to wait until morning to see completed mad lib, but knowing P.D., I'd better not read it while drinking my morning coffee. You can still email if you'd like a copy of The Telling. Thanks so much to all who stopped by, it's been a lot of fun, and I got to chat with some great folks.

Take care and have a safe and happy New Year! P.D. will be announcing the winners of Tinsel and Frost, and Mistletoe on the Mountain. If you've read her Mountain series, then you know just how hot the Mountain men are, and Mistletoe is a touching interlude in their lives. 

Good night!

I'm having a lot of difficulty now with forcing myself to come out to my family. I've just started hormones so it's extra frustrating to still have them call me the wrong name, wrong pronoun, and to be unable to share a huge part of my life with them.

How were you able to work yourself up to being able to come out to your family? Any advice from people with very religious and/or conservative families would be especially appreciated.

Although I'm not religious, my family is... would it be inappropriate or out of line to include scripture along with interpretations of how this scripture relates to trans people not automatically being against the principles of Christianity? Or would it just be better to focus my energy into more secular "okay so your relative is trans here's a nice trans 101" literature?

I know there's never really a good time to come out, but this year has been especially bad for my family and as irrational as it is I feel like I'm just adding to it if I come out... even though in a few months my voice may change noticeably and I really don't want to lie to them about why my voice is different.

I hope you like the novel we're giving away today. Times are hard and money's tight. As a new author, I thought a little sample of my work would come in handy, so you'd know what you were getting into with an Eden Winters book. Kind of a 'try before you buy".

Anyway, while we wait (excitedly) for the mad lib, I'll shamelessly put in a plug for a novel I have coming out January 27 at Torquere, entitled, The Wish:

Alex Martin is a spoiled rich boy who hides his loneliness behind a mask of aloof indifference. Paul Sinclair is a down-to-earth bookstore owner who insists on making his own way in life. Though they come from two different backgrounds, they have a common bond.Their uncles, Alfred and Byron, are partners in a law firm and in life.

When Paul’s uncle dies the two nephews rush to Alex’s uncle’s side, not knowing that it was Byron’s final wish that Alfred do everything in his power to unite the two.

The two men are initially hostile and full of misconceptions, and it will take the combined machinations of Byron’s spirit, the servants he can influence, and Alfred himself to let the two acknowledge the good in one another and their extreme attraction to each other.

The mind that brought you time-traveling pirates now presents match-making ghosts.

Even if this is an adventure plot, neither Nick or Ty, the two main characters, are exactly the adventure heroes. Ty is a 23 years old man who looks and behaves more like a boy; it’s not that he is dumb or naïve, it’s simply that he is basically an innocent, like he hasn’t yet lived all the years he has. There is a void in Ty’s life, from when he left his foster home, probable at 18, to when he literally bumped into Nick, probably knowing what happened in between, it would help to understand better Ty, but all of that is lost in Ty’s memory, and Ty’s mind is not exactly an organized archive, so retrieve the information is almost impossible.

On the other side there is Nick, that should be the protector of Ty, the big and strong man… only that Nick seems more a day-after-day hero, one that resolves one problem at time, and who hasn’t a big plan in mind. Neither being Ty’s protector was his choice, Ty appears in his life and he suddenly realizes that he can’t the boy go, that they are bounded by something bigger that neither of them knows.

Yes, there is the danger outside, but the most interesting thing is to see Ty and Nick’s interaction, and how they story evolves always remaining sweet. Ty and Nick have sex, but sex is more like comfort and sharing than need and desire; sex is like a warm blanket, sex is like having something in common, sex is light and funny, nothing serious. For this reason, sex is also “innocent”, heavy petting and nothing more; at first it seems incongruous, even if Ty is more like a teenager than a grown man, he is 23 years old, so nothing prevents Nick (that is only 29, so not much older) to have sex with him, but in the end, it seems not right. Ty needs sex to survive, and so, in a way, maintaining it in a lighter level, takes off heaviness to something that heavy should be not.

Nick and Ty are really two lovely characters, pretty and cute, more like puppies in love than really grown men, but probably this is their strength. Along their story there is also that of Devon and Aidan, with Aidan that, in particular, is a really interesting possible hero. Those two men are not fully developed in this story, and maybe the author is considering to give them their own story.

http://www.torquerebooks.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=2084

Amazon Kindle: The Fire Inside

Reading List:

http://www.librarything.com/catalog_bottom.php?tag=reading list&view=elisa.rolle


Cover Art by Rose Lenoir

Sorry, but my blackberry wouldn't let me log in so I couldn't hang out on my lunch break. I'm back now. The mystery gift my co-host referred to is a full-length novel called The Telling. Want a copy? Just email me or P.D., assure us you're over eighteen, and it's yours. It even has a lovely cover designed by a talented young student.

The Telling - Eden Winters

Time spent in Iraq cost Michael Ritter more than just the hearing in one ear. It cost him a friend, one whose death he feels responsible for. When he eagerly left Alabama for what he believed would be a grand adventure, he thought to escape his small hometown and the life that awaited him there. A lot can happen in four years, and now Michael's back, bringing a duffle full of personal demons with him.

Four years ago Jay Ortiz left home for the first time to attend college, in a place where his both his heritage and his orientation aren't widely accepted. While adjusting to his new surroundings, he found a picture of a young soldier. During dark and lonely times he confided in the image of the stoic young man, until one day he discovered that he'd given his heart away to someone he'd never met. Now that man is coming home...

In a world of "don't ask, don't tell", there comes a times when you have to decide who and what you are.

(sorry to be so late today)

PD Singer and Eden Winters are hosting today (as you've no doubt noticed!)

To celebrate we've put Fire on the Mountain, Snow on the Mountain, Nice: Mistletoe on the Mountain, Nice: Tinsel and Frost and The Pirate's Gamble on sale until Thursday.

A friend recommended that i post something like this, to try to find others similar to me..

Ive been out as trans (to myself) since january 2 years ago. I've just recently started transitioning, I started estrogen in October, MtF. I'm very active in the LGBT community, I even lead my campus' GSA.
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In July, I had sex for the first time in my life. It.. well, it didn't feel great... And afterwards, I started sobbing. As I lay there after in the arms of someone i care about deeply(Lets call her B), I realized I had experienced that sensation before. For years and years, Ive been vaguely aware of what happened. Ive had the details, sort of blurry, in the back of my mind. On that night though, it all became clear to me. I cried for a very long time that night. I was molested as a child, possibly raped. The details are fuzzy but there are pieces that stick out.

I talked to my therapist about it a few times after that.. but once the semester started, it kinda got buried away; there was just too much to do. Last week, I was with some friends(B and one of our friends) and the other girl mentioned, rather nonchalantly, that she was raped as a child; she is pretty much past it and thus wasnt upset to mention that. We started talking, and i told her that i was molested too. I gave a little bit of the details. It was the first time I really talked about it since july.  Before I knew it, the night was over and our friend left.

Almost as soon as she did, I had a complete nervous breakdown. Luckily, I was still there with B. I was sobbing and spacing out, every noise, every movement scared me to death. It seemed as if people in posters were moving and, when i looked in the mirror, it looked like there was another person on the other side. I spent the night at B's - I couldnt go home. She held me tightly for a few hours as i tried to sleep...

Since then, every day has been a spiral downward. Every night is just full of restlessless and nightmares. I've already been considering doing things I shouldn't. B is currently at her parent's house a state away, and has been since the night I stayed over. I'm trying to just get through this. I see my therapist on the 9th, so Im trying to get through till then. There are lots of people concerned for me right now, due to some facebook status updates I probably shouldn't have sent... as well as a few messages I sent out while, well, under the influence, as there has been a lot of that too.

I feel I can't tell anyone. There is such a social stigma, that all trans people were abused and thats why they are trans. I'm deathly afraid that is true for me, and I dont need more people doubting me. I feel as if I can't join a support group. Yes, I was a boy when this happened... yes, maybe i still look like a boy, but I'm a girl. I dont know.. How do I join any sort of support group? 
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I just feel really screwed up right now, I dont know how to recover. I was doing so good this semester.. I was able to go into rooms full of strangers and say plainly "Im trans and these are my needs" but now.. now I feel theres no strength left at all.

What do I do? Am I alone?

Back home, with my broadband [cuddles router]. I don't actually mind 56k dialup for a few days as long as it's over a good quality line, but the last few days was *not* over a good quality line.

We weren't due home until tomorrow, but with the bad weather forecast decided to come home today to be on the safe side. As it was, the trip took over an hour longer than usual. Tired now, so will probably not catch up on everything tonight.

I owe several people emails and/or prize copies of books, but as my brain has just switched off, I'll deal with that tomorrow. (Seriously. Sometimes it's as if somebody's flipped a switch -- in the last five minutes my cognitive capacity and fine muscle control has dropped significantly, to the point where I'm having trouble typing coherently.)

Okay, we have a couple takers already on Eden's mystery goody - I'll let her tell you more about that later. Just email Eden or me ( pd.singer AT live.com or edenwinters AT gmail.com )to get your very own copy. Just include some reassurance that you're over 18, how far over is no one's business but yours. *wink*

Right now, let me tell you about a slightly different contest - this one is for a pdf of Mistletoe on the Mountain, my Christmas Sip. This can be read as a stand alone, no prob, but you really want to know how Jake and Kurt got to this point, don't you? (That's in Fire on the Mountain and Snow on the Mountain.)

So, we've all played Mad Libs, right? Instead of taking your prompt words and building a story around them, this time, I'm going to take your prompt words and jolly well shoehorn them into a story I've already written. M/M, of course, but how will it play out? I need your help to finish the adventure. Lots of nouns, verbs, adjectives, a couple of adverbs, a body part or four, and at least one holiday, please, to put into the gaps the muse left. Platypuses and Australopithecines welcome, this time!

Everyone who offers prompts - I have a LOT of gaps, so I'm going to need a bunch of help here - is eligible for the Mistletoe drawing. If I get a huge response, I may just write more story for all the words, and everyone who plays will get at least one prompt word in there. Joe the Giant Cat has been informed of his duty to select the winner - will he bite your name?

For anyone who would like to attend, services for Blair Grimm are this Saturday, January 2nd, at 2 pm, at Oakey's North Chapel, 6732 Peter's Creek Road.

renaissance2010
Turning to photography as a creative outlet during a valiant fight with breast cancer at age 34, renaissance10 survived and set up a photo contest to help raise funds for the Lavender Trust, a nonprofit that provides information and support to younger women with breast cancer. In the first two years, the competition brought in over £65,000 (that's $107,260.73 U.S.!), with entries from 130 countries last year. Renaissance10 recently joined LiveJournal to meet other passionate photographers and find supportive friends.

curiouscupcakes
Holy buttercream frosting! If you have a sweet tooth for sugary goodness or a wandering eye for whimsical confection, this is pure ecstasy iced in deliciousness. Hailing the beloved cupcake as the artisinal canvas of choice, you'll enjoy recipes, photos, and bountiful tips to bake up a batch, whether your taste leans toward French classics or funky and flavorful.

mission101
With New Years in the offing, it's an ideal time to reflect on past accomplishments, make peace with disappointments, and refocus the lens on future goals. This community welcomes you to create a bucket list of 101 things you plan to accomplish in the next 1,001 days. Offering support, guidance, and inspiration, this is a great way to jumpstart those pesky resolutions.

How many of you have been told this when trying to explain things to friends, family, or professionals? How does it make you feel?

While I do agree with the general concept, I think it's become a "buzz phrase" that people use when someone feels bad about their appearance. However, it upsets me to be told this in regard to my physical sex and gender. It isn't the same as being overweight or underweight; short or tall; having blue eyes or brown. We can't just go on a diet, wear platform shoes, or buy some contact lenses. Physical sex is (arguably) at the core of all things that have to do with our bodies. Every day, we are met with countless ways in which we are treated differently during social interactions because of our gender. It affects the opportunities we are given, the friends we make, the careers we may be pushed toward or away from, the people who are attracted to us (even in theory), and so many other things! And the options we have at our disposal for changing it are limited and financially expensive (but thankfully they are there!).

I have spent my entire life being thoroughly disgusted by what is between my legs, what I lack at my chest, and the shape of my body (among many other things). I feel like an alien. I look in the mirror and feel detached from what I see. "It's not me," I keep thinking, even though I know the unfortunate truth: It is. At the very least, it's my body as it is right now. And as long as I have some method, somewhere--something!--that I can do about it, I am going to pursue it. I think it is an insult to be told that I should just sit down, put my feet up, count my blessings, and be happy for something as life-defining and emotionally / psychologically troubling as this. I have even been told by my very own best (female) friend that I am being "shallow" by wishing so fervently to be female! I'm not sure the last time I have been so hurt and insulted by someone I trust and love so dearly (not counting the things my blood-family has done to me).

I surely hope I am not alone in this. Like I said, I do generally believe that our character is what makes us an individual. However, I don't think it can be argued how our sex defines us (in both our own eyes and in that of the world around us) in a multitude of other ways. This isn't a phase, it's not selfish ambition, nor is it wrong. To be handed the rhetoric we already know to be true in a general sense, we are not only being insulted as transgender people, but also as intelligent and self-conscious individuals.

Thoughts, opinions, and discussion on this topic would be highly appreciated.

Sneaking in just to let edenwinters know that she's the winner of my contest from yesterday! Please let me know to what email address you'd like me to send your copy of Cat's Walk!

The storyline has not a normal development and the reader is plunged in the lives of two shinobi in the Japanese warlord era. Sora Sanada is 19 years old and just named captain and Kaname Takeda is appointed his sempai; what apparently seems a dislike due to the fact that the captain is 10 years younger than his man, slowly becomes clear as a different dislike, there is bad blood between the two clans of Sanada and Takeda, but even that it’s not fully explained. What it’s clear is that Sora starts to see Kaname with different eyes, and even if he is the leader and higher in social status, he becomes a little teaser, trying to coax Kaname out of his self imposed isolation.

While continuing in their role of “killer” for the warlord, and never losing their ruthlessness, between Sora and Kaname blossoms a sexual relationship that is erotic but never explicit. The author has the men having sex in romantic places like under a waterfall or a light rain, they explore each other bodies in every possible way, but never once she uses explicit words, for example, bodily fluids become “his sempai’s secrets”.

There is no need to explain Sora and Kaname’s past, better the past of their parents that still conditions the life of their sons; there is no need since this is the story of Sora and Kaname, their love allows them to find the courage to escape their legacy, and it’s a love so strong that it’s not even necessary to acknowledge it: Kaname will allow everything to Sora, not since Sora is his captain, but since Sora, even if younger, even if inexperienced, his nevertheless the only lord Kaname will worship, the lord of his heart.

I really love the interaction between Sora and Kaname, Sora so unwillingly a teaser, all pout and temptation, and Kaname so unwillingly weak to the other man’s desires. Kaname can’t refuse anything to Sora, and Sora doesn’t even realize it, it’s enough for the younger man to look with eager eyes to Kaname, and Kaname is lost in that love.

Sins of the Father is a story out of time, it’s clear the love of the author for the era she chooses to set the novella, but the two characters seem to live in an “eternal” era, time changes, but love is always the same.

http://samhainpublishing.com/romance/sins-of-the-father

Amazon Kindle: Sins of the Father

Reading List:

http://www.librarything.com/catalog_bottom.php?tag=reading list&view=elisa.rolle


Cover Art by Anne Cain

I was asked that question over two years ago in a counseling session, and not sure exactly why, my best answer was "To fit in. To be accepted to the group I want to be part of." But this year's end has me reflecting that maybe that was only partially right.

I am quite comfortable wearing minimal makeup and casual clothes. But having been taken advantage of by two men, seeing "that thing" between my legs horrifies and saddens me. What is the link between these two events? It's rather causal and circular. In memoir fashion, I found it easiest to go back one link at a time.

I know what needs to be "down there," and can visualize it quite clearly after visiting Dr. Saran's page. I remember at the age of 16, perhaps even younger, wanting it to go back in. It didn't feel right for me. I tucked the whole thing in the groin skin folds, but it wouldn't stay. It just kept popping out. I tried over and over several times over the years, to just try to get it to go back. At 16, and for many years, crossdressing, even though mostly just underdressing, took second place to relying on my imagination of being female in sexual encounters. I hoped, as a person of faith, that if I wore girl's clothing, especially the underwear, things would go the way I felt they should have been.

As a child and a teenager, I never got along with the majority of children. I found more friends among the girls, and I didn't try to be male or female as a preschooler. I just was. It was the presence of other girls, not the games they played or the clothes the wore (except for one skirt that the little girl made look so beautiful twirling in), and not most of the toys they owned that I was drawn to.   I felt more comfortable in the female circles. I have learned over the last year from women's circles, that gender in me is at least 50% resonance. I feel more comfortable in a non-sexual way and more as if I were with my own kind in the room.

Naturally, I was attracted to the kitchen, the enclave of the women, because so much time was spent there preparing food. It was when I was separated from the people I felt comfortable with because I was a "boy," that I began to feel so alone. That loneliness was reinforced by being forced to do things that "men do," further segregating me. Eventually, when adolescence hit, I was at times disgusted with my development, and at other times hoping I could find a way to not be alone "as a man." I used to masturbate to random images from the television, and tried to make myself "feel like a man." But it never worked, and I grew dissatisfied at least half the time with that "thing that stood in my way," and was so annoying and embarrassing. I knew I liked women, but my internal images were always liking them "as a woman." My slow adolescence in a way was a blessing, as I wasn't forced to look like what appeared to me to be 30-year old men in my classmates. I wasn't, at least, physically required to present as a dominant muscle-bound male (at least, not yet).

Of course, I wound up so internally turmoiled that I had few, if any, true friends.

I dress femininely, because at 16 and 44, I would do anything to have my sex fit what I have known it must be, because I still have faith that by doing so, God will put things right. I dress because I have to present as a woman for at least a year before I can have the surgery. I dress femininely to be accepted, but I have learned how to dress comfortably and still be Ma'amed.

Why do I crossdress or live full-time outside of work? So I can have what's between my legs put right and be counted among the women.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

Hi, and welcome to the tag team trouble with me and Eden! Hope Christmas was merry and maybe even you can find a late Christmas present for yourself over at Torquere. (Looks around for Squashed, who usually announces little things like sales.)

Anyhoo, Eden and I will be playing around a bit today, although we both needed to run to work, but we have some fun and nonsense for you. I'll be back with a contest (designed to appeal to the humorous and slightly twisted among us)(did I leave anyone out?) where you can win a copy of Mistletoe on the Mountain, a Christmas Sip with a theme that does go beyond the holidays.

Did Eden tell you? Email either one of us ( pd.singer AT live.com or edenwinters AT gmail.com )for an amazing Christmas present that I'm still boggled that we're giving out. Just assure us that you're over eighteen!

See you in a few!

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )